


Promises to Keep

by Mareel



Series: Always [18]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Making Love, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Memorials, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:10:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3624381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More than a sanity check. It's what they both need right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Promises to Keep

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few months after the Reaper War was won ( _Mass Effect 3_ : Extended Cut, _destroy_ ending) and makes reference to those events. Shepard is slowly recovering after being found barely alive.

 

__________________________________________________

 

This is the last thing I ever expected to find in a drawer.

I was looking for an aspirin – nothing like the heavy-duty stuff they shot me full of in the hospital – just something for a muscle ache that wouldn't quit. Okay, maybe I overdid it on the exercise today. But I was feeling pretty good, stronger, and spent a little longer on the treadmill than I really should have. And, yeah I might as well admit it, to myself at least, the incline may have been too much for my bad hip.

But damn it, I want to feel _normal_ again. The doctors and therapists tell me I'm doing great. 'Keep it up... but take it slow.' Kaidan celebrates every small step as a victory, and maybe he's got it right. But the way I see it, I might not have to fight any more Reapers but I don't want to feel like I've spent all my reserves by just taking a walk to the park. 

I knew Kaidan kept some painkillers in his nightstand, for when he wakes with the beginnings of a migraine in the middle of the night. Typical... his bedside drawer is neat and uncluttered, especially compared to the jumble of stuff that ends up in mine. He laughs at it all, but as I said once, 'Hey, where else am I supposed to keep my _Blasto_ key fob/flashlight?' I can still see his smile as he answered. 'Probably with your secret decoder ring. You never know when you might need them both.'

Reaching for the aspirin bottle, I notice something tucked into the back of the drawer next to his spare reading glasses. And I immediately forget about my aching leg.

Lifting it out of the drawer, turning it in my hands, my breath catches. A name plaque. Just like the one I saluted at the memorial wall on the _Normandy_ not long ago. Seeing Anderson's name there was rough, even though I knew to expect it. Holding one with _my_ name on it...

__________________________________________________

 

"Shepard?"

I hadn't heard the door opening. And I guess I lost track of time. He moves quietly, but I sense Kaidan's presence before he sinks onto the bed to sit beside me.

"Hey, there you are. How are you..." His voice trails off as he sees what I'm holding.

"You kept this." Finally looking at him, meeting his eyes, I'm not sure what I see there. It's like I've touched some very private part of him, and neither of us knows just what to say. But we have to talk about it. I turn it over in my hands so we can both see the lettering. "Was it ever posted on the wall?"

It's getting late in the afternoon and the light streaming through the unshaded window half-shadows Kaidan's face, so I'm not sure if he nods yes or not. Lifting one of my hands from the plaque, he wraps his fingers around mine, lowering his eyes as he takes a deep breath. 

Even after that calming breath, his voice is still uneven. 

"You know there was a memorial. We weren't even back in the Sol system yet – still patching the _Normandy_ back together. Several names were placed on the wall – Anderson, EDI... I was supposed to add yours. I was waiting till the end of the ceremony, just holding the plaque in both hands. And when the time came to step forward, I still wasn't sure what I'd do."

I wait as he struggles to regain control of his voice. His grip tightens on my hand and he looks up at me again. Without quite answering my question, he veers off on a tangent, reliving those days of not knowing. 

"After Joker got us through the relay – barely – we crash landed. I didn't even know where we were. Just that there were no Reapers. When night came, I found myself in your cabin. I guess it made me feel closer to you. Hell, you were all around me there, Shepard. I knew I couldn't sleep in your bed though, not alone... not after we'd shared it. But I needed time to think, to find a way to hold myself together. For everybody else."

He doesn't seem to expect much of a reply, but I squeeze his hand just to remind him that I'm here with him now, alive. That seems to be enough, because he takes another breath and continues.

"I was sure I'd _know_ somehow if you were really gone. And I didn't feel that certainty. I postponed the memorial for a few days, as long as I could. Waiting on some kind of closure – maybe some kind of notification. Or maybe just something I'd feel _here_... in my heart." Matching action to words, he brings our joined hands to rest against his chest. I want to leave my hand there – his heartbeat always steadies me. "But I never got that empty feeling I was dreading. Just the opposite. I was more and more certain that you were alive." He shakes his head. "I don't know. Call it hope maybe."

"Kaidan, by all accounts I was pretty damn near dead. What made you so sure I wasn’t? You said it yourself – we're both soldiers, we knew the score. The odds were pretty bad." I want to be gentle, but somehow the words sound harsh.

He takes the plaque from my hand, running his fingertips over the engraved letters, almost caressing it. When he looks up, his eyes are wet and his gaze intense. "You told me when it was all over you'd be waiting for me." 

I'm not sure if he's offering comfort or seeking it, but Kaidan gathers me close, silently pressing his cheek against my head. His voice breaks on his next words. "I knew you wouldn't leave me behind."

I remember my words. I'd wanted to believe them too. But even my own hope for survival had dimmed in those last moments on the Citadel. But Kaidan? Kaidan believed me and never gave up hope.

"So when the time came, everyone was looking to me to add your name to the wall. I touched the plaque one more time, and suddenly I _was_ certain. I stepped away from the wall. No one questioned my choice. Liara told me she saw a trace of a smile and hoped I'd found some kind of peace."

I nod against his chest, needing to feel as close to him as I can. "Liara. I'm glad she was there for you, Kaidan."

"She stayed by me through it all... as much as I'd let her. I don't think she was ready to give up on you either. We got the comm system functional enough to get a message from Hackett the next day – the news that you'd been found. Too stubborn to die, eh Shepard?"

His voice is as emotional as I've ever heard it, despite his attempt to keep it light. I hook an arm around his neck, tilting my face up... needing his kiss. 

Kaidan doesn't disappoint. He never has. His mouth is gentle and warm and holds unspoken promises of so much more. We break for a breath and I mumble a reply. "Stubborn? Hell yeah. Something like that. Or maybe I knew I had someone to live for." 

"Shepard... _John_ , I was so afraid I'd lost you. During our trip home, no one – not even Chakwas – knew for sure if you were going to make it. That nameplate was all I could touch of you, all I could keep safe. I still felt helpless at the hospital. All I could do was hold your hand while you were unconscious. When I saw the plaque in your hands today... it's like... I don't know. It's like finally _knowing_ you're going to be okay, that you're really here with me." 

He takes a ragged breath and the nameplate falls to the floor as he gathers me to him. Rocked slowly in his arms, I feel his whole body trembling – this man who has been so strong for me. Ever since his face was the first I saw when I regained consciousness, he's been my strength, never letting me glimpse his vulnerability.

Now it's like a dam has burst inside him and he can finally let me see it. I want to kick myself, regretting that I've been too damn self-absorbed to realize how much all of this must have cost him. 

That ends now. 

"Kaidan... Kaidan, it's okay. I love you – always know that. I'm _here_... you'll never get rid of me now."

I shift our positions so that I can hold him, drawing his head against my chest, rubbing his back with my good hand, stroking his hair with fingertips I thought would never feel anything again. 

"I found it in your drawer – I was looking for a pain med – I didn't mean to pry into your things. But when I saw that, it kind of hit me... all you had to deal with." 

There's too much to say, and I don't have words for it. "Let me take care of _you_ now. Just be with me, let me love you, Kaidan."

The setting sun casts a glow on his face, making his eyes look that much more golden. I press my palm against his cheek, my thumb brushing against the dark stubble on his jawline. His face is still damp but I can feel him calming, his breathing becoming more regular. Sliding my hand down his face and neck, I try to unfasten the collar of his uniform, but my fingertips aren't up to the task yet. 

Kaidan comes to my rescue, taking my clumsy hand in his and pressing a kiss into my palm and then attending to the stubborn fastener himself. I help slip the shirt off his shoulders before running my hands over his bare chest and leaning in to kiss the pulse at the base of his throat. His low moan and the way he leans his head back is all the encouragement I need. 

"Let's do this right, Kaidan. It's what we both need right now."

His hands are on my stomach, slipping under the old _N7_ shirt I'd been wearing for my workout, pushing it up to help me get it over my head. I shiver at the touch. After all the time he spent caring for me as an invalid, I'd begun to wonder if his touch would ever feel like this again. But there's nothing clinical about the way he's stroking my scar-crossed skin. It's the touch of a lover brushing across my nipples, making my breath catch and my pants suddenly feel too tight – _my_ lover. My Kaidan.

He maneuvers my legs up onto the bed and then stands to rid himself of the rest of his clothing. I watch his every movement, running my tongue over dry lips as he lowers his pants and briefs. I thought he would join me on the bed, but instead he stoops to retrieve something from the floor. It's the name plaque. He places it almost reverently on the nightstand before kneeling beside me on the bed and taking me back into his arms for a kiss. 

It's not gentle this time. I pour everything into this kiss, everything I've kept pent up in a broken body and an overfull heart. His mouth opens to me, accompanied by a low moan that sends a shiver though my whole body. 

My hands roam across his muscled back, from broad shoulders to the dip just above his ass, straying as far as I can reach. Which isn't far enough. I want more of him. Touching him like this feels like coming home. Without breaking the kiss, he shifts enough to offer me more access even as his tongue pushes past mine to claim my mouth for his own.

I've always loved the give and take between us, the constantly shifting dynamics. With my fingers dipping into the cleft between his cheeks, Kaidan shudders against me, his tongue pressing deep into the back of my mouth.

Eventually we have to catch a breath. His eyes have darkened with a need I haven't seen since before London, but there's also a trace of worry. He draws away from my fingertips and takes my hands in his, soothing my disappointment with a rain of kisses.

"Shepard... I want you so much. Are you sure you're ready?" He takes my face between his hands, searching my eyes. "I can wait... we can find other ways."

I shake my head. I've come this far in my recovery with this moment as one of my personal goals – to be strong enough to make love with him, no holding back. 

"I'm fine, Kaidan. I'm not fragile, damn it."

"Actually you are, in some ways." He touches my healing grafts, tracing his fingertips over a jagged scar below my ribs before kissing me again to take the sting from his words. "I don't want to hurt you. More than that, I don't want you to push yourself too fast on my account. There's nothing you need to prove to me, Shepard. You know I love you."

Our eyes meet again, his concern still evident. "I'll be careful. I might not be as athletic as I'd like to be, but I won't break if you touch me." 

We could talk about this all night. Instead, I take his hand and move it to my groin, cupping it over the hardness still constrained by a layer of fabric. "See... not broken. Kaidan, I _need_ you. I've wanted this ever since I first woke up and saw you there with me, but I couldn't do a damn thing about it."

I reach for his cock, half-softened since we paused, wrapping my hand around it to stroke him from base to tip, just the way I know he loves to be touched. He begins to harden... and there is that sexy low moan again. 

I press the advantage. "Don't mind the scars. If you can see them, they're healed. And _this_ will help the ones that don't show... we both have those."

Continuing to stroke him to full hardness, I brush my fingertips across his slit until he's slick. Reaching lower I cradle his balls in my hand, squeezing gently.

My lover's eyes are half-closed and there's a hitch in his breathing. "I can keep this up if that's what you want." I lean close to murmur against his lips. "Or you could just fuck me, Kaidan."

"Shepard..." My name sounds like a plea, or a prayer. 

I don't want him to start overthinking again so I kiss him, tracing his lips with my tongue. "You won't hurt me. Let yourself go. Just love me like it was the night before London."

He's reaching for the waistband of my sweatpants, tugging at it. I lift my hips as best I can to help him take them off, watching them join the pile of clothes on the floor. My dick springs free and he lowers his head to nuzzle into my groin, trailing wet kisses from the base of my shaft up across my stomach and chest. After pausing to suck one nipple into hardness while pinching the other and rolling it between his fingertips, he licks at the base of my throat and finally seals my mouth with a deep kiss that feels like a claim. 

"Are you sure, Shepard?" His voice is pitched low, filled with a hunger that he's finally letting himself feel. "We'll find a way that won't stress your hip." 

"For damn sure. I want you any way you'll have me. You're the boss, right?" I touch his face, cupping his cheek, feeling his smile at my words. "Just _touch_ me. Convince yourself I'm alive... and remind me of _why_."

In one quick fluid movement, he has me on my back beneath him. My cock leaps as it contacts his, so fucking hot and hard pressing against my skin. He's supporting most of his weight on his elbows and I take my time in sliding my hands up his arms, from wrists to biceps, before wrapping my arms around him. Drawn once more to his ass, I knead at his firm glutes, squeezing roughly. He grinds against me in response, our dicks rubbing together. It feels amazing, but I want more. 

"Kaidan... I want you in me. Want to feel your balls slapping my ass when you let go."

He groans against my mouth, pushing in with his tongue. "You keep talking that way, Shepard, I won't last long enough for that." 

But he levers himself to his knees and reaches for a pillow. "Okay. Lift that ass of yours for me. We'll take it easy." There's only a twinge from my hip as he gets me positioned where he wants me on the pillow. "Now see if you're comfortable spreading your legs some... there. Like that. Okay on the hip?"

I nod, my breath catching at the sight of him. Sweating already, his hair a mess from my fingers tangling through it, Kaidan's eyes roam possessively over my body like it isn't some broken scarred thing. His voice is throaty. "Stay right there. I need to get to the drawer."

I'm not going anywhere. I'm feeling pretty exposed here, but if Kaidan likes what he sees, I'm okay with the display. I trust him completely.

As he retrieves the small bottle I'd seen in the drawer and warms it between his hands, I test how far I can flex my hip, wanting to open to him as much as I can. His appreciative smile is my first reward. Even better is the sight of him taking his thick cock in hand to get ready for me. A groan escapes from my throat. Kaidan's doing more than just spreading lube on himself – he's putting on a show for me. 

But nothing prepared me for the jolt I feel as he touches my ass. And I didn't think I could get any harder. Kneeling between my legs he strokes his slick fingers all around the rim of my sphincter, his other hand keeping up a soothing caress on my inner thigh, murmuring all the while. That voice. I push away the unbidden memory of fearing I'd never hear it again. 

"God, you are beautiful, Shepard. Did I ever tell you that? Look at you..."

There's something in his voice that makes me believe he really sees me that way, even now. 

When he finally slips a finger just past the entrance, my whole body feels like it is going to spasm. But he waits for the momentary pain to pass before pressing in deeper, still urging me to relax with words and touch. "You're tight, Shepard. So tight. It's been too long. Just relax, we'll go slow." I take his second finger more easily and when he touches the right spot inside, I'm afraid I might come from that alone. 

"Kaidan! Fuck yes! Right _there_." 

With his fingers curled inside, he leans over to kiss me and I manage to lift my head to meet his mouth. I moan against his lips as the sensation builds again, threatening to overwhelm. " _Now_... Kaidan... it's enough. Just fuck me. Need more..."

He breaks the kiss and withdraws his fingers leaving me feeling hollow. I can't take my eyes from his face as he positions himself with the head of his cock pressing against my ass. I remember the first time I ever felt him pushing in... he feels huge, but I know we can do this. He murmurs, "Love you..." as he enters, pausing with just the head of his cock inside, letting my body accept him. And he smiles. 

I blow out a breath I shouldn't have been holding and feel ready for anything. "Love you too. I'm good... just _move_."

He doesn't need to be asked twice. He's been guiding himself in slowly, but now he leans forward and fills me completely. Pulling out a little, he begins to set a rhythm, one that suits us both. My body remembers him now, how it feels to relax and let him in as I feel stretched to bursting, how to clench my ass around him as he pulls back only to plunge in again and again. 

Beads of sweat roll down his forehead and his chest glistens. Those amber eyes are open, focused intently on my face, his lips moving but his words incoherent. I shift my hips just a little, changing the angle enough that his next thrust rakes over just the right spot and I lose all ability to form words. All I can do is grunt and pant and hope it's enough to convey all I'm feeling. 

Without breaking rhythm, somehow he manages to find my hand, unclench it from the sheet, and guide it to my cock. His hand covers mine as I squeeze and stroke, matching his tempo as best I can. As he continues to pound into me, my strokes are becoming more frantic than regular and I just manage to gasp, "Not... gonna last..." 

"'It's okay... Shepard... just come for me."

In a haze, I feel his sac slapping against my ass as the world narrows, everything converging on this moment. My balls tighten unbearably and I come all over us both with a shout that might have been his name. 

But he's not done with me. My ass clenches tighter around him as I ride out the spasms of orgasm, willing him to come with me. His breathing has gone ragged. I know he's close. 

"Kaidan..." I reach a hand up toward his face and our eyes meet as I feel his whole body shudder his release deep inside me. 

"Shepard! Oh yes... _yes_!" His voice is raw, but triumphant. 

He collapses against me, and I fight to keep him in me as long as I can. I want to feel like this forever - thoroughly fucked, exhausted... _alive_! 

I smooth his hair back from where it's fallen over his forehead and take his face between my hands, memorizing its contours once again with my fingertips. I touch his lips with those still-healing fingers and he kisses them, all tenderness now, before our mouths meet and linger. 

Part of me wants to drift into sleep just like this, practically sharing the same breath, but there's something I need to tell him first. His beautiful eyes hold nothing but love and seem to see right into my soul. Just as they did in my last memory of him as I ordered the _Normandy_ away. 

His whispered words vibrate against my lips. "I love you, Shepard. Don't ever leave me again."

"Kaidan. I promise."

__________________________________________________

 


End file.
